My heart is not

my heart sinks

like an anchor into the deep

the weight of remembrance

does quite sting

id rather be stung by a jellyfish

a thousand times

to know that would heal

faster than the hands of time

id long to have sand thrown into my eyes

than to have heard the whisper of many lies

i would rather have been struck with lightning

than to feel my heart torn in two

i feel as if my cheek was scraped on the concrete

while you drove away

on a high speed chase

globby like glue

boy do i feel like a big fool

to think your words of Christ

were real and true

prove me wrong if i am

dont be silent like a clam

is there a pearl in there or

isnt there

perhaps its the illusion of false hope

burn me alive

id rather suffer a million burns than to have

felt my heart yearn

my heart turns

twisted tornado

i wont allow you to steal

my joy

my heart is very real

its not a toy-ar

We thank You Jesus

somberness
in deep solitude
my rock i deeply hold onto
crazyness
set abliss
amidst
this
do i dare to enable feelings
of rejection to sting
a catastrophe
i think not
a melody
i dare ought
in a zoo
smelly animals
concrete jungle
grooves dance
monkeys
dance
free admission today
will you go another way
sweet solitude
Jesus You
are my promise
my rainbow
brilliant prisms
i am not in this chasm
the schism
the rhythms of
life
jadore
mi amor
sweet benevolence
you turned the tide
once more
once
again
there is more
if you dig
deep enough
you will
uncover the starfish
that were hidden from
this morning
from the sun
sandy shores
we leap galore
and thank
our Lord and Savior
Jesus Christ!-ar

Make me know

pain


o how the pain hurts


of the sting of rejection


my soul aches


perceived perceptions?


maybe


who knows


pain is like having your heart cut out


while you are still alive


staring right into its eyes


when it feels like a train hit you


and you cannot even dare to walk


when pain is a dull thrash to the mind


where even my brain hurts


is that even possible?


you gave me neurons to feel


you have me emotions to feel


yet why do they have to be so stinking real?


feelings can sing


mine are yelling out quite loud


i want to drown them out


tell them to be quiet even just for a moment


so that i can breathe


so that i can hurdle over the hurdles


in my competition


showmanship


worked so hard for me


to just feel like i am falling


i hit my knees


on one of them


and yelled a loud yelp


for You to come and help


the crowd gasps as You come running


for only You know me


and what it is i need


when i want to blanket my world


and shield myself from him


i think o it was the world that i wanted


but i cant have the trophy right now


ill have to suffer a loss


only to know that i think i will gain


and that i will face the world again


when all of your dreams have been shattered


and you cant see quite straight


its Your loving touch that seems to come running by


when it seems like the windshield on my car


has been dashed to pieces


i think o the sting of pain


is an awful place


how can someone you like


cause you so much pain?--ar

Do what You have to do

I cry out to You

on top of the mountain of brokenness

strongest of the strong

so I thought I was

and in my weakness

You can show yourself strong

where the rain splatters

and hits my face

the tears fall

my head is drenched in your rain

of reality

it hurts

I feel as if my body is broken

into a million pieces

when my heart weighs heavy

I can barely lift my legs

to eat

feed me

Lord

with a spoon

its You I turn to

in desperation

let me get so desperate for You

for You are all i need

when the world tries to tell me

otherwise

I think yea right

here it comes calling again

I dont need you

o man

for You are not as mighty

as my God

He is stronger than the finest armies

all around

He is far clever than the brain

who outthinks me

He is far wiser than a thousand

chinese proverbs

Who else can breathe

and make a mountain tremble?

Who else can fashion the world

to look like You wanted it to?

who can change a heart of stone

into a heart of flesh?

Try as I might

I cannot

be stronger than You Lord

ever

I am so weak

yet You are so strong

hold me now

carry me through this trial

I wont budge

I wont lift a finger

do what You have to do and do it now--ar

My only embrace

stripped of all of my defenses
theres nothing here
look at me
im open to You
You see me
in my worst and at my best
You see it all
Lord
i am the clay and You are the potter
You are molding me
let me collapse in Your sweet arms
Even though ive hurt You
even though Ive listened to others
instead of You
i long to just be real and true before You
theres nothing I can say in my defense
How could i even argue with You?
i dont even have a chance
on You who reigns
Even though I can be mad at You
i trust that You will bring me through
The only way out
is through the red sea
where I can run and my enemies
cannot find me
Everyday is filled with Your lessons
I long to be faithful and not detest them
Make me firm as a rock
Stronger even now
when i feel like hiding in my shell
You come and pull me out
saying dont stop now
when i curl up and theres
nothing anyone can say
its just Your spirit and sweet touch
which can lift me up
why does it have to be this way
break me
im broken
how much more broken can i get
as You lead me?
the path of brokenness which leads me to You
fill my days with grace
for that is my only embrace--ar

Express

i tear the paper in two

i gasp for this reality to be broken into

to see the world shaken

shake my world Lord

shake me until nothing remains but just

love for You

i dare to rip this reality into two

i yearn to let my spirit

express a new kind of love

for You

i yearn to dance in the air and

do spiritual gymnastics for You

i yearn for my pen to dance

with the words that i have for You

i yearn for the voice i sing

to jump on the ground

in an embrace of Your presence

in the heavenlies

i want the notes of the music to become vivid

visuals dancing before Your very eyes

I want my words of Praise

to inhabit me

and those around me

I want the room to be filled with the

fragrance of the Lord

touching the hearts till they

dont know what hit them Lord

i want the yearning in my heart for You

to jump out and dance around

i want to break out of this body into the Spirit

im held back by this eartly vessel

let me paint a million pictures

when pieced together show Your lovely heart

filled with love

i want to capture a thousand photographs

to show Your beauty

I want to set a bonfire and let it blaze with

love

a fire which never goes out

which never

goes out--ar

Nothing compares to You

the world would try to paint a

picture of the american dream

get married have kids

why dont you

have a career graduate from college

yea sure

nice things

nice house

nice kitchen

maybe a few dogs

maybe a few intimate moments

i scratch the paper on which is that written

and say ive found the greatest treasure

i could have in this life

no date

no man of God

can compare or ever dare to steal

me away from You sweet Lord

for You are all i am living for

no man of God

even comes close enough to the beauty of You

You hold me in Your lap Lord

and look into my smiling face

with loving eyes

You accept me for all that I am

sillyness and all

o dear God

my heart chokes with the tears of knowing that I am

deeply loved by You

the veil has been torn in two

and theres nothing which can keep

me from running after You

You are my peace

my sanctuary

make my heart Your home

make my face Your aim

and desire Lord

sweet Lord

You will never hurt me i

am yearning for more sweet Lord--ar

Following You

broken into pieces before You
i grab the air
and say let me touch You!
i move my hands in an embrace and say let me
feel You!
i want to feel Your hair and touch Your
face
I want to love you and hold onto Your feet
You are all I need
and when mypain tries to numb me
i push it away and draw closer to You
i grab onto Your robe
if I can have just one touch
Just one touch
I know that I will be healed
Your faith has made you well
and i gasp because
You dared to look me in the eyes
in the busy crowd
Not too busy for me ever
Lord
I ask You to wreck me
here i am
a mess
on the floor
hitting the ground in desperation for more
i hold my cup before
You
a challenge to fill it
and I say let it overflow
I could waste my voice singing to You
i could waste away my strength in worship of You
i could die
just worshipping You
and giving to You
to join the angels in heaven with You
i dont want to live if I cant be in Your presence
if the gift of Your love doesnt grace my head
i am living only for You Jesus
and thats all I want in this life
many cannot comprehend
many are called but few are chosen
ive decided that this is my place
this is my spot in life
to bring You the gift of worship
gold, francincesne and myrrh
You are everything to me dear Lord
take my heart
take the tears which worship You
and bring me into Your presence
let love be my greatest friend
let us walk together
closely following after You--ar

chasing after You

im chasing after You

though it cost me all i have

Im chasing after You

though i leave many behind

I chase after You

You are my greatest treasure

which I have sold all I have for You

I sold everything for one taste of You

I sold everything and left it all behind

Ive brought you my most expensive perfume

Ive left behind those who claim they are seeking

after You

ive left it all behind

my vision is on You

ive left it all behind

theres nothing which can keep me from You

theres nothing which can hold me back

from being with You

theres no man

no thing

nothing of worldly value which can steal me away

from You

You know all things

Lord You know that I deeply am in love with You

penetrate through my icy defenses

and melt me away like butter

in Your presence

till I am swimmin in Your presence

carried away by the waves of Your presence

Im thristy for You

I am desperate for You

i pound and hit the ground

telling You to come and fill me

i throw everything else all away

all for one glance of Your eyes

I stand right in front of You

daring You to come closer to me

overtake me

terrify me please--ar

they have no clue

i come before You in repentance

I am sorry if I made anything

else my world for

even just a minute

O Fairest Friend

I know You would never get tired

of dancing with me

I know that it was me You looked

in the eyes and said Come and Follow Me

i said why Yes

You are everything to me

and in Your presence only do I long to be

no where else Lord

To sit and let the ravens come and feed me

to have Your Holy Spirit all over me

To listen for Your voice

so sweet and divine

To feel Your embrace so loving

and kind

You are jealous for me

and that my soul knows quite well

a man could never take Your place Lord

He will just have to settle

for a moment of grace that would have to be

authorized by You

O Heavenly daddy

The One i can turn to

You stand before me

and any man

only have mercy on him

and let him have a glimpse

of You and me

sitting in treasures in eternity

pretty please?

they have no clue

How close exactly I am to You-ar

Secret place

wash me wash me

wash me away

i want to be caught up in the

wonders of Your grace

i want to get washed

by the pounding of the

waves

lost in Your presence

my soul You do not despise

My soul You hold

dearly in Your hands

Thank you Lord

for being stronger than any man

take my grief and

give me strength to dance

i dance with the angels

and I sit here

waiting for You to lift up my head

the voice of man

who doesnt see or hear

You

im sorry dear

was that the Lord who spoke

to You?

why yes it was, raise Your voice

Lord

take me into the secret place where I have come to truly know You--ar

Lover of my soul

and i find You again and again
when I search my heart
a light lives in it
so bright it shines
it sings
it reminds me of You
i sit hand in hand with You
My face and Yours
are hearts are intertwined
I sit in a boat with You
in the middle of nowhere
in secret solitude
I am Yours
and You are mine
You listen
You hear
You are compassionate
and kind
Under the moonlight
the sounds of nature
are Our song
If You could shoot a million
comets in one night
I know Youd send them for me
right now
If I could gaze at the starry nights
while leaning on Your chest
I know that my thoughts You would know
before I even opened my mouth
Youre so close
Right here
a faithful Friend
in a time of trouble
Deliver me from my distresses
I long for Your taste and the peace
that You bring
entrench me in Your fragrance
I want to drip with myrrh
I want to leave with the fragrance
of frankincense so strong
like never before
I kneel at Your throne
Your hand touches my head
and You pull me closer
than ever before
Your desire is for me
and my desire is for You
thank you so much Lord
for giving me the world
just knowing You is enough
I cant take it anymore
its overwhelming
overwhelm me with love
and Your power
Give me the fruit that tastes so sweet
I am running after You
my wedding day where You crown my head
i cast my crown before You
and say to You be the glory Lord
i am poor and needy
come and rescue me quickly
only You have come to save me
Only You have come to pull me out
drown out the lies of the enemy
who tries to rob, kill, and destroy
and lead me through the sweet
pastures of Your hearts delight
You delight in the path that
You have set out before me
You know I can do it
for in You i can do all things
now and forevermore
let us run together
the voice of the bridegroom i hear
and He rejoices over me
now and forever until eternity
love which never fails
You are the greatest love story
that I have ever known
take me Lord
with You
into the secret place
I yearn for more
I am hungry for You
thirtsty for You
satisfy me
with the treasures of Your voice
and Your thoughts and Your dreams
take me over rivers
let me the see the heads of wheat gleen
with light
they are heavy
im ready to pick them
the harvest is ready
the fruit is ripe
let us gather together
and with the angels I will delight
in You o Soverign Lord
for You are better to me than
ever before
it just gets better and better with You
sweet Lord
I anticpate Your will
and Your moves in my life
i willingly offer my heart to You in great
sacrifice
love of my soul
tell me where You rest today?
because wherever You are
thats where I want to be
in a neverending
love story--ar

At Your table

a love so precious and true
my life is worth more to You
than a thousand sparrows
let me be found faithful
lead me up the mountain of myrrh
where You are
I want to be where You are
wherever that is
Heaven calls me
and sings a song that I just cant
drown out with the burdens of my life
O Lord
You said Your yoke is easy
and Your burden is light
I am yoked to You
Sweetest Lord
Your fragrance is a smell
so sweet and fills my heart with great
delight
I sit at Your table
You prepare a feast before
the faces of all of my enemies
Who is an enemy of God
let me despise what You do
Let me love what You do
Let me love like You do
when people
drift in and out of my life
You stand strong
steadfast
with Your love
which never ends--at

Say no to pain

its target place

i think of a baby and how a baby's cries

are fine tuned

to a mothers heart

where her tears spark

a concern in moms mind how strange is your beauty

when love sings to me

a voice

that is a million colors

where i slide on rainbows

which are over heavens floors

when the voice

of my infatuation drowns out the real thing

i think of how a stork flies

so strong and direct

with an aim that can never miss

to help her

oceans waves spread out

for miles

Your presence is the wind

that blows them to and fro

and I think of my free time

and how Youve called me to live a life of

sacrifice

is enough enough

is too much too much

i think of how the enemy is ensnaring

Your children

to do who knows what

and to go who knows where

and I am confident in the woman

that You have made me

i am not ready for something bigger than me

something i cant comprehend

its a mystery

give me strength

to take care of me

give me strength to see what You want me to see

Give me strength to learn what You want me to learn

Let me not be a liar

to those around me

Give me a true tongue

Guard my tongue from telling lies

give me light for darkness

which tries to steal away from me

the beauty of my days

when joy is a friend and pain

has got to leave

i say no to you pain

God is bigger than You

God does wonders

and that I know I truly am--ar

Refine me

my heart clenches with
a chaos
that sings of the sting
of sin in its trenches
ive fallen to the ground
and my face I lay down
to the ground
Lord i clasp onto Your feet
when love seems like a rollercoaster
emotional benders
swerving around every corner
I know that I am precious in Your sight
I know that You are the inspiration of my
life
My Divine inspiration
which sings to me
the songs
of better days
My heart and flesh cry out for You
as I am inspired by the beauty
of Your creation
of gazing into the most
Purest of all Eyes
Eyes mankind can never replicate
no love can ever duplicate
the place that You have in my heart
You sit enthroned
in my heart
and Know all of my fears
and every ounce of pain
that I have ever felt
I know that as I lay my heart
into Your hands
no one can divide that divine love
love that will never end
Blow on my garden
and lift me up
You are the lifter of my head
and my face you are holding
in Your hands
I lay before You
vulnerable
giving You permission to take me
and mold me
Be gentle Lord
You are faithful, gentle, and caring
You are everything
to me
Give me gold that
I can buy from you
Gold burned in the fire
The fire, o refining fire
refine me--ar

Swiftness of speed

when i feel like my love for you is

conditional

i think of the hypocrite in me

let me not seek your hand

nor your blessings

but to just be true in the purest of ways

when u say i am not giving that to you

right now

let me not turn my face away

let me not do so

Lord I feel so empty

like an empty bucket right now

trying to fill it

with everything but you

let my love be unconditional

let me not think that I know

whats best for me

its none of my business

why you do the things you do

let me be faithful and true

when Jesus was on the cross

he cried out Father

why have you forsaken me

to feel pain so deep

to cry out to the Holiest of holies

to enter hell

and then return back from the grave

the greatest debt has ever been paid

you've given me salvation

may i rejoice in that simple fact

simple yet profound

the greatest thing that you could ever do

in this world of pleasure

and instant gratification its so

easy to say give me more Lord give me more

give me Doves eyes

may i just look to the hills

from where my help comes from

relieve me of depravity

right here right now

why lie any longer

ive got to trust you

and what does that even mean?

tell me You who know all things

if this will crush or break me

make me not want it anymore

grant me mercy

dont let me repeat what I have done before

its not that big of a deal

as i may make it seem to be

its probably funny to you

but its serious to me

ahah i see you

in the midst of it

teaching me your lessons

sure if it means i get to be

by your side right next to the throne

in the throneroom

the best place to be

then yes

take me higher

i love seeing my room

power and authority are mine

i will rise higher

above all of this nonsense

grant me grace

and give me swiftness of speed

to run after you for more--ar

You and I are face to face

You who sits between the cherubim
i come before you as Esther
asking you extend Your scepter
i wont be scant
i wont run away
I will boldly come to the throne
of grace
i kneel before you
with my requests
only my life
Im leaving on the line
O King of kings
have mercy on me
i am poor and needy
naked and blind
wrteched and poor
without You theres is nothing
left of me Lord
Dont pass me by
while i sit on the sidelines
i am calling to You
come closer to me
terrify me
with Your mighty presence
in the silence You speak
Maker of heaven
yet my greatest friend
Let me not ever call you my friend
if I cant walk shoulder to shoulder with you
children are calling out
break my heart with the things
that break Yours
until I cant stand it anymore
and I cant take it
and I want to be in the place of rest
You are gentle, perfect, and kind
and on You i lean on in perfect trust
knowing that You know best
My heavenly Father
let me give thanks
instead of falling on my face
there are no tears
only steadfast love
which is that, that I am longing for
for Just one glance of Your eyes
I faint with love
in that perfect place
where You and I are face to face
dance with me
o lover of my soul----Ar

Give me purity

im a liar a cheat and a thief
when i say purge me
tears come to my eyes
because all I desire is purity
Purity in the most purest of ways
make me like you Jesus
humblest of them all
o Fairest one of them all
take my stubborn ways
and conform them to your ways
when i fight for the light
to not dissipate
why sing a song when im not willing
to follow through and follow you
as i fall on the rock
I am broken to pieces
only you
only You know where each one belongs
each one has a place
in this walk
When You hover over me
overshadow me
make me surrender
make me willing
to live a life of sacrifice
so that I can flourish and bloom
take away my many nights
and let me crave the brightest of
days
yield my tongue
keep me from false vows
from falsivity
in the deepest place
my heart
i yearn to be yielded to You
the fire burns
sets me aflame
give me purity
give me purity Lord
i plead--ar

I am the persistent widow

purge me of any lying way within me
make me true
make me worship you in spirit and in truth
make me a faithful witness
burn me
till theres nothing left of me
a holy fire
which removes anything that isnt of you
God
the Father I question because I can
and the answers you reveal to me
are just because you can
i cant make you move your hand
i plead i knock
i tell you open up
im the widow
persistent
i wont give up--ar

I follow closely by

and it can feel so scary
as my seed falls into the ground to die
but the purity of the saints
motivate me
to sit and wait ever so patiently
for You
You are my one true love
the One my heart is yearning
for
the One my heart is longing for
Purity is of the greatest value to you
and the sacrifice of a
celibate life You never chastise
To be married to Jesus
is to me the best of it all
To sit and lsiten to my Lord
to hear what His heart is breaking for
To taste the tears
and to feel the pain
the yearning for mankind
and His bride
to be concerned with His ways
and thoughts and plans
Teach me your ways
and when I am stubborn as a mule
Give me Your grace
When my heart says no not now
Let my desires disintegrate
for when the wheat falls
theres no one there
to contemplate
with
Its a lonely place
when a bud springs forth
and theres no one to take notice
But You see it Lord
You know it all
Your will is soverign
and Your ways are just and true
Every step that I take leads me closer to you
Use my life as a sacrifice
Living only to die
make me know that
Your hand is upon me
and that I am the apple of Your eye
with great love
i follow closely by--ar

Until You and I are one

when your heart aches
and no ones words around you
seem to ease the pain
i turn to my Lord and Saviour
Yahweh
He is mighty to save
when my eyes grow weary
staring at the starlights
all around
your promises I remember
and ask for you to not tarry
much longer
when i dont want to sit and listen
to a sweet serenade
my days seem to grow darker
as im in lost in perplexing
speed lightning
comets shooting
around in Your ever expanding galaxy
and i am amazed
because the song of songs
does not have to end
for Your love is unfailing
and in my life
the story is written
it will never end
You mystify me
drop Your drops of rain
on my head
I'll let them fall
to the ground
slip down my face
and as they mix with my tears
i look forward to a new year
I know your Kingdom coming
to earth is very near
I feel it in my heart
Blessed are the meek
for they shall inhereit the earth
Blessed are the pure for
they shall see God
and I see you
I stared at my face the other day
and saw the face of Jesus
You were peering into it
my soul laughs
You are becoming closer to me
than any other
Burn me with your love
until You and I are one--ar

Fierce competition

fierce competition

not so free after all

no more slips and falls

i love this place

and the sweet aroma of

chinese food i embrace

yum

like it

wont u have a taste?

sui mai

shrimp sui mai

lotus leaves

and hot blackened tea

the drops of the water falls

to the ground

your hair tightly rolled into a bun

and your slanted eyes

make me smile with joy

your little bickering

and your pregnant wife

your cell phone which i thought was plastered

onto your ears

and your basset hound face that

drooped so low

i thought you would kiss the ground

with that endearing frown

mr phung

take my order wont you

and try to spin around on

one foot

will ya

give me a twirl

i think you are fun

when you let me know you were a catholic

i was deeply stunned

but thats okay

more egg drop noodle soup for me

in fact i have guests so make that three

Father, son and spirit

Holy trinity--ar

Still searching for You

its giving over what doesnt belong to me

when God has brought me to full maturity

my stature is secure in Him

my faith I dearly entrust to Him

He holds me heart

no man can break that

God has set Himself as a seal upon my

heart and has done an excellent

job at holding it so near

to His

He has not allowed

fear or pain

to rob me away

and His grace

do i truly make my home

what once was lost

and has been found

and I never

have to go down that same road again

Hes brought me to a new place

im excited

we run and meet in an embrace

i am ecstatic to see His beautiful face

no one can quite compare

He is the author of my Life

and how awesome is that

i lean on His chest

can you ever beat a moment

like that

no never

Hes ravished my heart

and I have ravished His

i belong to my beloved

and He belongs to me

no one can take Him away from me

although they may try He will never

leave

theres nothing i can do to make Him go away

I search for His presence each and everyday

I find Him again and again

take me now Lord

let me follow after You

again and again

i still am searching for You--ar

Yearning for You

so here i sit
waiting on the Lord
whom I worship
with the love that He bestowed
on me
and my face
my cold heart
warmed by His fiery love
set me aflame dear God
your peace is what I long for
and i know that the pleasant
scent of your beauty
lifts me from the pains of weariness
as I long for a touch from You
and i dance in open fields twirling
this way and that
i get lost in Your greatness
and its the smile on Your face
which calls me to live in love
while darkness tries to coerce me
and make me fall
but i stand strong because I know
you have deeply called me
and wont let me fall
my heart is in your hands
and i question my newfound
love for You
i yearn to be alone
and only with You--ar

Never alone

i lay my hands
open before you
with petals in my hands
i think of the souls
of those who have gone on before You
in great sacrifice
in self denied ways
that led them to glory
even if it cost me my life
let me truly know You
if i die tonight
let me know You
even if i was offered all of the gold in the world
id refuse it for just knowing You
id chase away the robbers and the ones who
walk in your temple
claiming to sell your goodness
when it all came from You
my passion is played
im a beat in the air
which dances and
i shift into worship
flipping through heavenly atmospheres
as a trained olympic medalist
who has learned to conquer
their fears
i Have no worries
because everything is all in Your hands
so i will glady laugh and dance
while i sweep
up the petals of the saints who have gone
on before me
and take in their sweet fragrance
which toucheth my soul
and bring my heart many many smiles
your life is a song
whats being played?
your heart has multiple strings of music
which sing the notes of your deepest feelings
let me in to have a look
make Your home in my heart
o sweet dearest Lord
You are the lover of my soul
the Shepherd which oversees me
and your rod and your staff they comfort me--ar


i gladly lean back and
rest on your chest o
fairest One
i sit in your shade
and your Fruit is sweet to my taste
the grass is our verdant bed
and the scents of spices i take great delight
in
the wind is blowing and
i can see it move your hair
in the breeze
tell me o you whom my soul loves
can i see you and sit with you
for just one more day?
dont leave me
You are my security
so patient
your love is steadfast
as a stone in a brook
which has never moved in
a million years
when the stars were fashioned
you rejoiced before the earth
was formed
when i becamse a thought in your mind
I am part of your great design
let me life exude more of your
greatness
let my life sing of your glory
so that those around me can hear me
and let them fall at your feet
as they see Your beauty
capture their eyes
steal away their gaze
from that which is harmful and take
them to new levels
you are better
than the finest fellow
better is one day in your courts
than thousands elsewhere
my habitation is in Your temple
and there I make my home
I wont be moved
I thank you that I am never alone--ar

Played for You

its your magnificent beauty
and the weight of your love
its a weight so light yet heavy
with heavens glory
infiltrate my every being
with passion for You
a fiery passion
a fire which does not go out at night
a fire which does not fade away
even though the sunlight boasts to
be bigger than my small flames
take me from glory to glory
tiny flames ignite into explosions
i want to be a bomb of the fragrance of the Lord
make my scent carry over for miles
over the hills
and over the ones
who sit in great darkness
waiting for their chains to be broken
let the yoke of your love destroy
that which tries to steal
your people away from you
let joy be my mantle
and take me to higher places
than i ever knew before
if Im soaring on wings of eagles
the enemy i shall
see creeping on the floor
i delight myself in You
my hearts desires have been planted in me
by You
Wisdom is refining
and my character
you are Fine tuning
i want to be the notes
of a piano
when it so diligently is played
to worship You--ar

Refreshing waves

im inspired so quickly

by the by products of my new life

i sing

i dance

i spin into oblivion

my dance a sweetly received sacrifice

i am alive with new life

and i cling to the future which calls me to move forward

why do i cry when

i know this was heaven sent

when it was my hearts cry

to see and feel alive?

why cry the winter is over

and springtime is here

the sound of turtledoves fill

the air with their singing

and the chirping of their worship

chips away at the sadness

which for so long did really abide

moving forward with anticipation

do i dare to lay out my feelings

their cards on the table

take a look at my hand

like what ya see?

then you must do anything it costs you to

follow me

i take a deep breath

breathing in every single second of life

smells so great

the sweet smell i taste

the sunlight falls on the weary lines on my face

im alive

take me now Jesus

i offer my life to you as a sweet sacrifice

let the fragrance of my death bring

a smile to your face

as i sit and listen to the silence

which sings to me of

your magnificent beauty

your presence feels like

refreshing waves falling

and chasing away my weariness

which dropped away in just a glance

just one glance of your eyes

teach me what that means

i yearn and plead

i will wait a moment longer

for You.

for Your sweet entrance

into my room

please stay here a little longer--ar

More than I ever really knew

Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life
my abundance
that He gave to me through His sacrifice
I will not be moved
I will not be shaken
For His ways are higher
than any mountain
with just one breath
He can move the mountains
Be cast into the sea
O mighty mountain
you have no hold over me
I will not doubt
I cling to my sanity
im free like a butterfly
i have nothing to fear
when im misunderstood
it makes me want to be humbled
even more
what he thinks
or said
is not the truth
I am filled with more
love for you than I ever really knew.--ar

wont be afraid

i seek never finding

thinking it was the Lords voice I was obeying

and now there is no one

around

i run to the beach

think of the sky

expanding over the seas and i take great

delight

i miss the passion of the pursuit and chase

and know that love will come on that one

perfect day

i will not be moved

i will not be shaken

i think Jesus is awesome

and feel theres an acceleration

of good things to come

they are happening so fast

are we in the end times

the joy of seeing you

and fellowshiping with

you i greatly await

i wont sit here

and disintegrate

i have love and a passion

and have given Him my all

Ive died a thousand times

and throught the night I may fall

while thinking of your presence

and i think of how i can quickly recall

and im free to dream

i am free to release

all of my feelings

and inside i wont hide

boredom came and i almost

fell off of my chair

hearing their voices and how

they went on and on

thinking hes handsome

and i do like the tattoos

the woman and the dislike i felt towards

her black shoes

who am i to judge

i want no one looking at me

i must search within myself

to find the answers

to dig out of this emotional hell

im tired and im weary

wont you please come and help me

wont you please come to hear me

wont you please come to heal me

in God I will not be ashamed

i wont be afraid--ar

after the storm

dark cloud
sweet abyss
tumultuous sounds
of deep and blackened waves
thunder and lightning
crashing over the waves
a dark storm is brooding
no sunlight in place
after the storm
comes the sweetest smell of grace
after the storm
comes the familiar
glimpse of His face
after the storm
the salt of my tears i taste--ar

butterfly

i think was this insanity
or was i trying to numb myself from feeling
anything that would be real somehow
was i trying to avoid the pain
of the truth
and will the road definitely lead me back to you?
lovesick
darkened and blue
i searched the streets
turning away from everything else calling me from
you
thinking this is insane
why does this person seem to cause me such pain
and i am filled with wisdom
yet somehow i think it has fallen behind
when everyone around me is doing just fine
and i think where is the joy
that came yesterday
and why is this one filled with such sorrow
im empty right now
fill me back up
i turn to you and lift my cup
let it overflow
take away the dross
give me life
and liberty
give me something to grasp
i dont want to run away
i want to look today in the face
cant handle it alone
i try and it just doesnt suffice
i will think of
how you called me your sweet butterfly
and i will fly--ar

Dont spoil the fun

i feel like a liar

why so many masks

and can i take each one of them off

i think of you today

how you coerced me into a truth

that would flip my world upside down

when i had to get used to boredom

and deem it normal and just the routine

no there werent any fights today

and no one got on a table

about ready to jump off

i lay in bed all day

sleeping away my pain

and distancing myself from my

dream i know not why

afraid im going to miss one

or something or that my lover

will die

who knows

just the thought i am anticipating makes

me want to stop and cry

theres no excuse not to have fun

theres no excuse now that everythings been done

a new place is stressful

its quite normal to find something

to try and spoil the fun

maybe i need to rethink all of my options and just

give it a try--ar

Only the great

give me a life to waste away on
you Jesus
i will spend my waking moments searching for You
and Your great power
i will not let an idle moment go by
without worshipping You
and fixing my eyes on you
every space in my life is spent in fellowship with You
when i leave my obligations
i run to be with You
its Your approval and truth i long for
i run over seashores to feel Your presence
and gaze at the sun
while thinking of your spirit
He touches my face
and warms me and brings a smile
i am truly starstruck
and im sometimes caught stargazing
daydreaming
and living in you
i shriek with delight
at your appearing
and when you walk into the room
i run to greet you
i jump hop and skip
and spin around
while you proceed into the room
The King has entered the room
stand up and give Him the praise He is due!
i think of a woman who
sits silently and waits upon You
because You are faithful
and true
and those are Your names
and I will think upon your love
and anticipate
from You only the great-ar

Drink offering

i walked around and around
talking to you while my feet hit the ground
staring at the ever expanding sky
thinking of the waves
and mother theresa
and tears filled my eyes
they water
as my heart turns to mush
ever wanting to be a drink offering
pouring out before you
falling over the edges of the altar
drops fall and hit the floor
i want it to circle the alter
overflow over the trenches
that are built around it
and fall every which way
the ways you want me to fall
show me what it really means to pour
myself out
putty in your hands
i collapse in surrender
while your spirit searches my soul
and peeks into the inner places
of my heart
the rooms of my heart
are laid out before you
take my life
and do with it what you will
use me like water in a cup
take me and water barren dry land
take growth to a new place
o sweetest Lord
your will I embrace--ar

Before the King of Glory

can i dance my crazy dance
in front of your ever gazing eyes
will you lock me up and throw
away the key?
will i stamp my feet
and grit my teeth
will i feel as if your eyes are ever
following me?
can i trust you to give me space?
i pound on the drums
of my passion
the songs of worship i hum
filled with worship
as i bow before the son
ever so terrifying
i want Him to terrify me
i want Him so close
I can feel the touch of His warm breath
hit my face
as I stand with my closed eyes
before the King of glory
who clothes me in rightousness
and I cant run away
we are standing face to face--ar

Ever so patiently

your anointing rushes in
and breaks all of my words
it tears down a page and makes me plead
for more
my words are torn
stripped down
to the core
the page is split in two and
i know that it was a visitation from you
my happy smile can pierce straight through
and the feet which have danced
are stretched beyond many miles
i will not chase after you
i left you a message you never returned
you are one of a million
dont think its my turn
your facade is tiresome
when will you please grow up
i love to be underestimated
it gives God a chance to prove
those around me wrong
When mountains are so high
my eyes faint looking at their height
when a mile feels like an eternity
and one day seems like 1000 and 3
i yearn for you
for your sweet sensitivity
i wait for you
ever so patiently--ar

So tongue tied

right before bed
i diminished all that has not been heaven sent
diminished all with what really wasnt beneficial to me or
my future to be
how can i describe the pain in internal discomfort
when can i describe the feelings of wanting to run away
when the numbness overloads the feelings and i think o no not today
when my brain swishes around and my thoughts
are in circular motion
i have a headache
my head pounds with my thoughts in rotation
i got angry with her
i felt silenced
when she hung up
she had someone she could confide in
i tell myself its the Lord i can confide in and trust
when He knows all the hurt and the pain that Ive carried
i confessed my sins and dont quite feel so merry
its eternal confession that my heart longs after
when we are made to feel as if our deepest darkest secrets
are to be abhored
why its their sweet release that brings freedom aboard
and i told a dear true friend
of the swamp and abyss that my soul was tied in
and she related to me
and lent me an ear
and my conscience now sings because its all so very clear
perhaps this brought about more upsetness and thats okay
maybe i can choose to forgive right now today
its really alright
what am i to do i feel so tongue tied-ar

Passion

i noticed his passion and
how he danced and shook the floor
uninhibited just like King David
and i thought how delightful
do we really have to so often hold back
when i let go and just let loose
i seem to bring more glory to Jesus and that
is what im longing for
when i am unashamed and undignified
i dont have to worry
about what someone thinks of me
as long as I am bringing glory to my King--ar

Fun

a dead silence
i think of my brain
and how it needs to expand
when admired from a afar
i felt good for a little while
i danced and tried to have fun
when in my deepest hearts of hearts
i thought about you
i will make it a point
to have as much fun as i possibly can
because my life and joy dont depend on any man-ar

Another day

I cant stand the sting of pain
oooucccch i yelp
i scream
i stamp my feet
i grit my teeth
oouch
that hurt so bad
aaaarrrgghhhh
i try to laugh
but this pain just keeps me from
moving and breaking into a dance
so I say yes Lord i forgive
again and again
seventy times seven times i forgive
release me of this fear
i forgive knowing
that I may get hurt again
but I dont want to put myself out there to get
hurt again
i guess its not really a big deal
but when im this sensitive pain feels so real
and this is what i cried out for
to feel again
to love again
only when its reciprocated
i can understand there may be a payoff
how can u live without picking up offenses
i lay them all down
every single one that imay have picked up today
and i said its ok Lord its okay
give me the strength to look the world
in the eyes another day--ar

Someone like me

I allowed myself to be vulnerable for a moment

only to have my heart thinly shattered

when years of protecting it

I thought that pain could never come in again

Why did i set myself up for such a destructive emotion

when i weep and pour out

what my soul hangs on to

the sting of his absence caught me

deep within like magical seaweed

and i thought to myself

itd be better to have been stung by a jellyfish than

to feel the whip of a lair

hitting me

my heart is choked up

and the tears slip out

i fall to my knees

and say Lord comfort me

You are all I need

when men dont pay respect

when honor is due

I know that You know Lord

for You see it all

I danced and i sang

and I know that my sound is a delight to Your ears

I know You know all of my fears

take my thoughts and let em hear

let em feel the feeling that they passed on to me

then maybe next time they will attempt

to think a little differently

before trying to reach someone like me--ar

Clean slate

my heart was pierced
felt like a sword slipped right in
caught me off guard
why to fall to feel again
i danced for joy and spun around
so crazy
felt like i could glide over a mountain top
and my bitterness said i will leave today
only to be slapped in the face
with the pain of yesterday
so i cried out and said Lord touch me
i slipped for a moment and skinned my knees
You carried me so gently
to a place of deep repair
where i stand with You
hand in hand
and You gaze into my eyes
and Your love penetrates through
icicles so sharp
briery thorns that have rotted
away
Your love seems to drive them away
given me a heart of flesh
only it was a heart with
a thousand emotions
and thats okay
because i know you can see me
through each and everyone of them
and i thought well
maybe i would try to input some of
your goodness
but all that came out was resentment
and i said tis better to let go
than to harbor anger
when the sun rises
i have a clean slate towards you
and i deeply and ernestly pray for you-ar

Liberation

coming up for air
i heave a deep breath
my arms splash with my weight underneath
to keep me afloat
the water slips and drips off of my face
almost felt like a 10 ton weight tried to keep me down
for a minute
i push my head back and look at the sky
the sunshine dries the tears in my eyes
the suns rays glisten off of the waters ripples
and i hear swoosh as i watch a boat skim by
i love this place
Im here with the Lord face to face
and I fix my gaze upon Him
and I think my joy seems to exude
and doesnt wear quite thin
there is joy every morning
my freedom is liberating and i cannot quite make sense
of your comments
and your sporadic messages
i am a queen
Gods best
dont underestimate me because Im a woman--ar

Woman runs free

a womans worth
a womans pride
a womans work
a womans world
spinning her hands twisting fiber
she doesnt seem to mind much
her oppression
rings back centuries ago
to let go
of the great ball and chain
when pleasing a man makes the world go round
not on this neck of the woods
i will fight for my freedom
my freedom which doesnt quite defy marriage so to speak
but denies oppression of man over me
and i didnt grow up on an amish farm
yet im not quite listening to sound words
at this very moment
when i thought maybe who knows
but yet on the other hand i want
children before im 35
and yet my dreams are calling me and who knows how long
i will have to fulfill them
and who said we had to get married anyways?
dont rob me of my freedom and
all of my dreams
im on fire for the Lord
and have been set free
whats a girl to do
when paris is calling her and
a gentleman as well
does she leave him behind to follow the trail
of what God wants
and God can bring love into her world
at any time
Gods will is soverign
and i dont want my joy to be choked
if u dont have joy thats your deal
but if i dont have joy
there goes my heartbeat
joy is the fruit of the Holy Spirit
and where the Spirit of the Lord
is there is freedom
and so maybe i did just drop a
habit for you
why thank u and God bless you
and im not trying to be rude
but please dont insult me
by thinking womens words are few-ar

Humility

im antsy
with anticipation
did i just not declare i want to partake in His death
help me to want you to know you to embrace you
to give you the praise that you sweetly deserve
the only one
who can relieve me of my darkness
and the secret things that I attempt to hide
yet you see it
its all spread out like an open book
and ive let you in to have a look
so see it all
and extend your hand
because i dont want to live like this forever
i want to dance i want to sing
i want to give you everything
remove this darkness and make me
kiss your light
because these fingernails
have been bitten down to the end
and i know that regrowth is a new beginning
and i state
okay im a roller coaster
let me have life
i dont want consequence
to smash me to pieces
but i think that somehow thats how humility
reaches me
and i say let me choose life
not death today
because i want a better life anyway
and so let me be purged of all of my lies
and renew me
take away the false and make me pure and true
purity is what im longing for
and i know that motiviations you sift and search through
so i will patiently wait on you.--ar

Her fingers are musical notes

her fingers are musical notes

that rise and float

above the riddles of this life

when i saw his hair and how it so shines

his arms so strong

leading heaven on

and your stlye of love

which you wear

and make me want a better day

i push forward

about to give birth to new life

only this is the life that i cried out for

the answers that were promised me

that the old prophets of long ago

were not able to see or know

or experience

my life is more than an experience its a song

that heaven sings

and i let you go and give you back to God

and know that it doesnt reallymatter

because in the light of eternity

i will sit and be

with those i long to see for more than a day

in this world

it doesnt matter what I think what i do right now

because every idle word will stand the test of time

and so who cares anyway

there are lost souls out there

crying out for life

and i think that i will make

my humble abode amongst those

that do

and i will be their friend

through thick and thin

and wait for my release to let it begin again

so make this a new day to let go somewhow

because its your life hes wanting and i want to go

with Him into the secret place

where we share our thoughts

and of heavenly beverages we taste

i sing and i dance

because He is my romance

and i let go of the superficiality of this world

because it has nothing to offer me

when He saw my reflection on that silver stretch

He said aww the smell of death in which i so delight

i died a thousand times

and think i will press on for more

of His power

He is my guide--ar

falsivity

you dont intimidate me with your

falsivity

where were you when the day began

only to appear at night and then she ran

who do u think that you really are

God's supposed child o really so then who am I?

i have a fair chance

and im tired

of these women thinking

they can step on my neck

to try and find accomplishment

in whatever it is you do

thats not even heaven sent

and you look and are dismayed

you become jealous and then filled with

great hate

when she came by

and said hi

who are you to even try

to mess with the Lord and what he is doing

when you think its about you and no wyou are following

i want to yell and i know that

silence is the key

because its the Lord who will defend me

she popped in out of nowhere and then

tried to carry on

something that wasnt her business

and shes on

top of things now

so u missed out

why did it take u three years to be

concerned with a poet

with a servant

when i see one how i quickly know it

and i appreciate

all that the Lord is doing in your life

and want to make your life better

if i can only try

to input something that will make

the rivers go

my love is a waterfall that

everflows

and the thread of life

brings me to this place

as i sit and dont want to hide my face

however I wait on the Lord and his precious grace

and know that sweet love is a gift that he can bring

to this place

when your thoughts diminish and theres nothing left

everything been burned by the fire of his test

whos got the real motiviations

of heavens best?--ar

Just a faint glow

aaaah it hurts

i feel as im dying

when will this night end

i seem to stay up past 10

and the hole appears to get bigger

than outerspace

i get sucked in

kill me now

and take my life

ever feel like youve been hit

by a ton of bricks

im curled in

i barely eat

youd have to feed me

but even then i cant make sense

my eyes they close

and open again

im restless irritable and discontent

and i go jogging to try and forget again

and i catch moments of beauty that rush in again

and make me breath

why is it that i feel that im forever runnin

when medication wont numb the pain

when cigarette smoke smells so sweet

and i know that if i just gave in

id set a terrible cycle in repetitive motion

i cant sleep i toss and i turn

my thoughts are compressed im yearning for more

if my mind could sing

it'd serenade the poor

tell me a riddle and ill speel out more

when liquor and jack daniels dont pave the way for

this gal cause shes left behind every ounce of living

to just stand here in this place

i am truly amazed

and i sing yes i forgive i forgive

i cant take it anymore

if this is life and death then i cant be angry

so i give it my all

and i know that whatever happens is God's perfect call

i love you with the love of Christ

i wont be angry anymore it wont suffice

im still giving to the Lord my sweet sacrifice and

i cant hide and i cant look you in the eyes

but i think this time i will honestly try

not to get riled up when i see you and I

can extend a lil mercy and lil grace here

because thats all that he wanted and from here on out its

weird

that this was the place he wanted to bring me to

and yet somehow i didnt want to surrender but know that i need to

for my sanity

my pride

it can hurt ya, ya know

when love leaves, its just a faint glow--ar

God of humor

i sing i gasp
i tear to shreds
i rip my pillowcases
i sing at the top of my lungs
im hungry
im thirsty
i want a diet coke
im tired and im hungry
and im thirsty i want a diet coke
again and again
you told me to tell you everything
because youa re my true friend
so you sit on my bed
and watch me
again and again
Lord dont you get tired of the same old theatrical
whats happened in history is happening now
and how you sigh im sure
and stretch out your arms
waiting for me to come to you
and collapse and disarm
the power that binds me
and keeps me from seeing
all of the plans that you had hidden
past tense no this is now the future beginning
and i run and i wait
and i whisper and i wallow
yet somehow a rebuke i cant quite simply swallow
im sweating
im runnin
your right by my side
saying dont give up
just yet April there is a new tide
and i say yes i know
youve told me before
im waiting and now will you open the door
i sob i cringe
i hold my blanket and pound the floor
i shake my head and i pace back and forth
this isnt thelife i thought you had for me
but its helping me know youand thats complete irony
you are the God of humor and i submit silently-ar

leave a mark for eternity

i sit amiss
the paperwork
trash and filfth
my keyboard i stroke
when i know thats my only hope
when i cant quite release my frustration
when i dont want to be the rat in the corner of the maze and
im tired and i cant even begin to see
all that youve done and what you are doing to me
my spirit pours out
my soul overflows
my heart heaves a great sigh that only heaven knows
this isnt apothecary
this isnt fantasy this is real life and its scary
i feel like i came out of an incubator when
everyone around me seems to appear so stronger
and i have envied them with their great lives
which seemed so attractive
yet i never knew how to leave and deal with the strife
i dont know the appropriate way to deal with the strife
i dont know the answers to the hardest questions in our lives
i look around and feel so blessed
how could i have missed all this
yet the things ive tried to get away with
only to not be caught
but yesterday i raised an eyebrow and dared to have fought
and i think i may even have won
but to him i give the glory because the
hand of the Lord came
and how quickly just like that i can
fall from his grace
im sure he knows the tears that
have bittersweetly been one of my familiar tastes
when i didnt fit in
and felt like a hole trying to fit in a square peg
when i look around and feel so disassociated
it was always okay just never communicated
walking down the checkered halls
is it this door or that one
and why did they appear so merry
why i was on a tread that had me in a hurry
to get the hell out of dodge
because someone just might see me
and i remember being the queer odd kind of beauty
that would capture the eyes of a little man who was leery
about his face and that made him quiver with insecurity
but id comfort him and read to him
the poetry
he called so deep
i laugh because u didnt really take me seriously
and no one really ever has
its funny but as life has passed
i leave a mark that says look at me
these things i do their value is in eternity--ar

My friend

Tears come to my eyes
As I think of my pompous attitude and of how
I will do anything right now
to catch but a glimpse of you
I’d hold you in my lap and caress your sweet face
While I listen to you talk about
Your tumultuous days
And I laugh at all of your newfound groupies
Who don’t really know anything about me
I’m protective over you
As a mother is over her young
And I know everything you do is fun
I want to pour a glob of honey over your head
And let the love of Christ take you and make you whole again
I wish God s love was in a barrel that I could
Overnight to you and pour over
you
I wish I could fed ex myself to your door and sing a melody
That opens heavens floors
i don’t want you to die but
I know that forever in eternity
We will lie
In His pastures and how that time will never fly by
Your heart is so precious to me and
I wish that I could see you 3 x 30 times in a year
I miss you my friend
People come and people go
But I tell you love is so
Strong that it can change a mind at best
It can travel the earth to find you
When you think you are hidden and have forgotten all of the rest
You see love is as strong as death and
Nothing can hold it back
It’s the most powerful force alive in this world
And you can’t make it leave
Because there’s absolutely nothing that it asks for
So let me see u just one more time
I promise to cherish every minute of you speaking your mind
Love speaks to me and I will obey
I will not do things my own way—ar

into oblvion

get me in and out as fast as u can


i fumbled for my change while trying to


avoid looking over my shoulder a thousand


times


and i saw him sittin on the floor so aged


with his grey pants that had dirt on them


so old that youd think he hadnt bathed in years


and i saw the stains of the oil on your shirt


your belly overlappin overflows


out of your dirty clothes


you sat there


a broken man


who might never have had the chance


to really ever be loved again


but i love u


and i said a prayer for you


and knew that the heavens were waiting so long for you


when i drive past the cemetary i think of the


streets and how they are so scary


when pimps and prostitutes do business


it seems they take over the world but fo rmore than a minute


i tried to avoid lookin but because i got frightened


i fixed my gaze ahead


its not like im an angel with a halo over my head


i listen to Gods voice


and when He tells me to love I have no choice


everyones got a special place


in his heart


because they were a thought in his mind from the start


and i think of how you are so brave


i dont think youre that scared i think you are okay


you try to be perfect


and are unhappy


you fail and you fail and are so miserable


because u cant be perfect and how could your mother


ever want you to be


Jesus was the only one that could be


so let her understand that perfection does not


ever become attained through anyone on this planet


when the Lord looks at us its as if we had it--ar

If I have to

This is the only way i know how to release whats bottled up on the inside of me
when i shake and i shiver and cant see straight i
reach for the pen or the keyboard
whatever
i will write a thousand poems until my thoughts
have become blurred
and my heart sings forgiveness
because theres no love without forgiveness and i think that i've tried before
but failed to live up to your loving guidelines in the great book of the crazy corinthians
and i think my thoughts run a million
miles per minute
because of all thats inside me
i'm trying to stay with it
and i think that i can
become quite clear
with what all this means and how
im labeled by fear
which today i severed the ties with because
it has no place here
and i long to live for something
which does not domineer
so ill write and ill write
until the better tomorrow comes
hope you dont think this
a waste of time
but it sure beats beating on the drums
a 24-7 because the noise
will get me kicked out
but the beating of my heart longs for
the voice
to be let out
so i open my mouth and wonder whats in there
will they be words of love
or words of hate
and i tell myself
youre such a good christian but to live like this
is to be a liar
and what place does that have in the heavenly fire?
none i know and i wish they were here
so i could
hug them and love them and sing with them
who will stretch out the longest without a resting place to hold them?
ive flown over the world and ended up back twice
must have been like the dove
returning
during
the time
of the flood--ar

Feels like hell

I scream i yell, in my apartment, it feels like hell

today i felt the rush of a wind

however my heart being so cold, didnt want to feel again

it was hard for me to notice the season changing

did october sneak in without me even knowing?

i miss you and your sweet voice

as your worshipped the King of kings and i sat there

distraught

I miss your beret and the sound of your drums as

you shook the house making demons run

the old hardwood floors made a sound

that moved

and the chairs left with the stains of snacks

that i should have never had,

the bellowing sound of your character

makes me remember the tears

that were there

and the stomping of your feet make me want to embrace

you

i miss you

the brown carpet makes me sink in

while my face hits the floor and i try to make sense

come today not tomorrow i pleaded

i dont want another day without your presence and power

when will we embrace again

and can i let you see my tears

ive failed to cry and release my fears

i love you all so very much guys

will i fight for a cause of winning you back

how do i know that the Lord is in that?

i cant make you feel guilty but this is drivin

me crazy my thoughts swim around

and i try to sing joyfully

i know anger isnt the answer

and your silenced voices i cant pressure

you into coming back and i dont know that i will

think its okay

but i know Gods got better plans for you anyway

and i think thats what im mad at

because where will i go

when you taughtme to worship

and to follow his flow.

my heart breaks for the anwers

that i do not know

bring me the answer

in fire, wind or a whisper

bless them because i know that you are with her

take some time to relax and appreciate

what will the Lord tell you

o keeper of the gate?

make me not regret i dont want to disintegrate

who is this really hurting and can i release any hate

for that is not God's way,

no matter what happens i know that He is here

and maybe she just wants you to feel sorry for me

i think its all clear

to try and use people to create the hurting

its not your fault

i only know that it was searching

my heart out to see what was there

and i yearn for love to make its home here--ar

Not naive anymore

How do I deal with unresolved conflict?
And is this
really
unresolved conflict?
I want to tell her a piece of my mind,
seems she has been telling me hers for years
and I have listened
even though it was not easy.
Why is it that for 10 years I have been told to listen?
So, therefore,
you can
listen to me too.
I feel as if
you have robbed me of years
of my life.
Telling me to sit there and be “faithful” yet, what did I gain from it?
I didn’t even gain
a true love for Christ,
Made to feel guilty
because I could never be perfect for Christ?
Made to be guilty
if I didn’t go to church because of the fact that I wasn’t really
“giving” to Christ?
How can a person have this sort of input
in one’s life?
I feel as if it’s because I came
from a broken family with no one there
that I was picked on to stay because I didn’t know
any better.
Coming from a catholic background
didn’t help, because if I questioned anything
it was wrong. When the pain of him leaving
made me feel so disillusioned,
yes maybe I was wrong, but I didn’t know how to speak up
and I feel that I made a mistake.
Then when I chose my mistake and thought,
this one was right, because of your disapproval I chose to end it,
and so the hell began.
Was I wrong
and will God tell me otherwise?
I don’t know right now.
All I know is that I deserve to be treated with respect,
I deserve to be loved and cared for.
I deserve to have a man who doesn’t smoke weed
and sees things the same as me.
I feel that you never taught me
what it was like to really have a relationship with Christ,
but only to be scared of Him if I didn’t do what was right
You preached about not wanting fast cars,
yet you paid off your house instead of going full time ministry
and starting a church in Ecuador
you stated the reason why yet, I feel
you took advantage of a girl who could never ask why?
And maybe we won’t have all the answers nor ever will
until that final day,
but Jesus Christ
is wanting me to have a relationship with Him today.
And that is one no man can interfere with and that is one that takes time to cultivate,
yet I feel I’ve made so many mistakes.
Maybe some sins are worse than others
however, I feel that I’ve made some so bad they don’t compare to others.
How do I tell u I think you were just a liar,
a cheat and a con?
Portraying a form of godliness
yet denying its power.
You played the theatrics
and hyped up the deliverance,
yet I don’t quite feel
that it was all so real.
I feel that your shunned silence and your silent treatments were not love.
However, coming from an alcoholic background
that is what you do best.
You say you’ve been healed but your fruit
makes me question it.
I’ve seen you look down on the poor,
as if being poor is being a victim of this world.
When you’re poor it seems
anyone can take advantage of you, because there aren’t many choices. The bible doesn’t say to be rich. In fact that’s not God’s way at all,
you say you are living for God but it seems
you are living for this world.
The bible says to the rich, that money is the root of all evil. And I can’t help but not believe that you weren’t in it for the money, because the truth is that its been all about the money.
And I remember the day you got angry because I didn’t have a job and how I thought what business is it of yours? And then got drunk.
Because you knew that your disapproval mattered more to me than anything else, because you were the only one that I had or thought that I had that helped me in this world.
Yet you weren’t there when my son was born
and you have helped me only once.
And many times you stated that me calling you with my problems was me being helpless, when you were the only one that I had to call anyhow.
So there went my options, forget me pouring out my heart, you made it very clear that my money was the only thing you were really in for.
At least that’s what it seems like, because I didn’t have any other gift to really bring, for fear that I might fall, for fear that I wasn’t as big, bad and booming as they all were.
So maybe I don’t like to show off, that’s just not my thing, yet I’m being got after because I don’t give it my all. Maybe now’s the time to really show it off. --ar

Christian barbie

so he passed me by and

we looked at each other for a moment

questions rose up in his mind and mine

did u shake your head and think not today

this is not my way

who says

that i have to be ignored

and that thats okay to accept from a man with a "sword"?

yes so u too

join the club

i move on to the next because i know my worth

maybe the good Lord just wants me with someone here right now

in the here and now

so i shout

yes thats what i want

i want honesty in the inward parts!

i bet i snuck up on you and you didnt even know

it was for a moment something like the divine

but how easily do we push it to the side

when your heart is open

so open that any large amount of books can fit in there

why do i even dare

to repeat

my insanity

when all they are looking for is the very image

of barbie?

o i forgot to tell you

christian barbie is not for sale

they hid her

shes a work in the making

may come out sometime

but never for sale

i laugh because this is hilarity

you pray for God to send you someone and here

comes me

only is it in the package that you think it would be?

Honey if you have to take a second thought on that

i dont want to be

so ill sit here and write and hopefully maybe this will speak to you

who needs to make a decision of what to do

cause im tired of waiting and theres no way no how

that i will spend more time disintegrating for you now

lifes on the fast line shes a streetcar named desire

and someone will find her

they will raise a fire

of something to last for more than o an hour

when temporary images sing to me

i close the doors to whats not exactly reality

take a good look at the women in the bible

women of faith who knew the Lord

yet even today

do men really lack faith

they desire a picture of what the world paints for them

call themselves followers yet forget true gain

a woman who fears the Lord shall be praised

beauty is fleeing and charm is deceptive

yet she seems to raise the ceiling

i pray you know that love is more than a feeling--ar

brown hair and brown eyes

She stared at me
she had brown hair and brown eyes
just like me
i felt my voice silenced
a stifled ball, something like a wad feathers
arise in my throat
it was an attempt to keep silent
My anger boiled and my voice turned into a whisper
When I'm loud and boisterous
I'm intimidating
but oh me
a small mouse
An intimidator?
I laugh and smile
Do you think your money is beg enough to fit
inside my mouth to keep me quiet
Do you think your dollar bills wouldn't be swallowed
to nourish the desire to build my own empire?
Do you think that whisper doesn't change
into a growl
I'll show you how
Don't ever talk to me that way
You have brown hair and brown eyes
just like me
when you whisper I will be there
Only I will hear
and I will ask you to speak up
Because I don't buy into your monetary
cup
I look up
and I wont look down
or turn my face aside
you need to listen and let me abide
alone and in myself
you have brown hair and brown eyes just like me
my voice wont change because of your money--ar

Not supposed to look...

I'm not supposed to look
But i'm curious to
find out what's wrong
with my tire
los senores
mi miran con un
cara de pregunto
why is she looking?
well maybe
senor yanta
i want to learn how to
fix tires
maybe i was
interested grandpa
when you'd fix the car
and go underneath
i always wanted to
see if oil would
fall on your face
afraid the car would
fall on you
they jacked up the car
when i was still in it
was it so i wouldnt
ask any questions
i laugh
i still see you through my windshield
you cant stop my curious eye
you cant stop me as i ask why--ar