Another day

I cant stand the sting of pain
oooucccch i yelp
i scream
i stamp my feet
i grit my teeth
oouch
that hurt so bad
aaaarrrgghhhh
i try to laugh
but this pain just keeps me from
moving and breaking into a dance
so I say yes Lord i forgive
again and again
seventy times seven times i forgive
release me of this fear
i forgive knowing
that I may get hurt again
but I dont want to put myself out there to get
hurt again
i guess its not really a big deal
but when im this sensitive pain feels so real
and this is what i cried out for
to feel again
to love again
only when its reciprocated
i can understand there may be a payoff
how can u live without picking up offenses
i lay them all down
every single one that imay have picked up today
and i said its ok Lord its okay
give me the strength to look the world
in the eyes another day--ar

Someone like me

I allowed myself to be vulnerable for a moment

only to have my heart thinly shattered

when years of protecting it

I thought that pain could never come in again

Why did i set myself up for such a destructive emotion

when i weep and pour out

what my soul hangs on to

the sting of his absence caught me

deep within like magical seaweed

and i thought to myself

itd be better to have been stung by a jellyfish than

to feel the whip of a lair

hitting me

my heart is choked up

and the tears slip out

i fall to my knees

and say Lord comfort me

You are all I need

when men dont pay respect

when honor is due

I know that You know Lord

for You see it all

I danced and i sang

and I know that my sound is a delight to Your ears

I know You know all of my fears

take my thoughts and let em hear

let em feel the feeling that they passed on to me

then maybe next time they will attempt

to think a little differently

before trying to reach someone like me--ar

Clean slate

my heart was pierced
felt like a sword slipped right in
caught me off guard
why to fall to feel again
i danced for joy and spun around
so crazy
felt like i could glide over a mountain top
and my bitterness said i will leave today
only to be slapped in the face
with the pain of yesterday
so i cried out and said Lord touch me
i slipped for a moment and skinned my knees
You carried me so gently
to a place of deep repair
where i stand with You
hand in hand
and You gaze into my eyes
and Your love penetrates through
icicles so sharp
briery thorns that have rotted
away
Your love seems to drive them away
given me a heart of flesh
only it was a heart with
a thousand emotions
and thats okay
because i know you can see me
through each and everyone of them
and i thought well
maybe i would try to input some of
your goodness
but all that came out was resentment
and i said tis better to let go
than to harbor anger
when the sun rises
i have a clean slate towards you
and i deeply and ernestly pray for you-ar

Liberation

coming up for air
i heave a deep breath
my arms splash with my weight underneath
to keep me afloat
the water slips and drips off of my face
almost felt like a 10 ton weight tried to keep me down
for a minute
i push my head back and look at the sky
the sunshine dries the tears in my eyes
the suns rays glisten off of the waters ripples
and i hear swoosh as i watch a boat skim by
i love this place
Im here with the Lord face to face
and I fix my gaze upon Him
and I think my joy seems to exude
and doesnt wear quite thin
there is joy every morning
my freedom is liberating and i cannot quite make sense
of your comments
and your sporadic messages
i am a queen
Gods best
dont underestimate me because Im a woman--ar

Woman runs free

a womans worth
a womans pride
a womans work
a womans world
spinning her hands twisting fiber
she doesnt seem to mind much
her oppression
rings back centuries ago
to let go
of the great ball and chain
when pleasing a man makes the world go round
not on this neck of the woods
i will fight for my freedom
my freedom which doesnt quite defy marriage so to speak
but denies oppression of man over me
and i didnt grow up on an amish farm
yet im not quite listening to sound words
at this very moment
when i thought maybe who knows
but yet on the other hand i want
children before im 35
and yet my dreams are calling me and who knows how long
i will have to fulfill them
and who said we had to get married anyways?
dont rob me of my freedom and
all of my dreams
im on fire for the Lord
and have been set free
whats a girl to do
when paris is calling her and
a gentleman as well
does she leave him behind to follow the trail
of what God wants
and God can bring love into her world
at any time
Gods will is soverign
and i dont want my joy to be choked
if u dont have joy thats your deal
but if i dont have joy
there goes my heartbeat
joy is the fruit of the Holy Spirit
and where the Spirit of the Lord
is there is freedom
and so maybe i did just drop a
habit for you
why thank u and God bless you
and im not trying to be rude
but please dont insult me
by thinking womens words are few-ar

Humility

im antsy
with anticipation
did i just not declare i want to partake in His death
help me to want you to know you to embrace you
to give you the praise that you sweetly deserve
the only one
who can relieve me of my darkness
and the secret things that I attempt to hide
yet you see it
its all spread out like an open book
and ive let you in to have a look
so see it all
and extend your hand
because i dont want to live like this forever
i want to dance i want to sing
i want to give you everything
remove this darkness and make me
kiss your light
because these fingernails
have been bitten down to the end
and i know that regrowth is a new beginning
and i state
okay im a roller coaster
let me have life
i dont want consequence
to smash me to pieces
but i think that somehow thats how humility
reaches me
and i say let me choose life
not death today
because i want a better life anyway
and so let me be purged of all of my lies
and renew me
take away the false and make me pure and true
purity is what im longing for
and i know that motiviations you sift and search through
so i will patiently wait on you.--ar

Her fingers are musical notes

her fingers are musical notes

that rise and float

above the riddles of this life

when i saw his hair and how it so shines

his arms so strong

leading heaven on

and your stlye of love

which you wear

and make me want a better day

i push forward

about to give birth to new life

only this is the life that i cried out for

the answers that were promised me

that the old prophets of long ago

were not able to see or know

or experience

my life is more than an experience its a song

that heaven sings

and i let you go and give you back to God

and know that it doesnt reallymatter

because in the light of eternity

i will sit and be

with those i long to see for more than a day

in this world

it doesnt matter what I think what i do right now

because every idle word will stand the test of time

and so who cares anyway

there are lost souls out there

crying out for life

and i think that i will make

my humble abode amongst those

that do

and i will be their friend

through thick and thin

and wait for my release to let it begin again

so make this a new day to let go somewhow

because its your life hes wanting and i want to go

with Him into the secret place

where we share our thoughts

and of heavenly beverages we taste

i sing and i dance

because He is my romance

and i let go of the superficiality of this world

because it has nothing to offer me

when He saw my reflection on that silver stretch

He said aww the smell of death in which i so delight

i died a thousand times

and think i will press on for more

of His power

He is my guide--ar

falsivity

you dont intimidate me with your

falsivity

where were you when the day began

only to appear at night and then she ran

who do u think that you really are

God's supposed child o really so then who am I?

i have a fair chance

and im tired

of these women thinking

they can step on my neck

to try and find accomplishment

in whatever it is you do

thats not even heaven sent

and you look and are dismayed

you become jealous and then filled with

great hate

when she came by

and said hi

who are you to even try

to mess with the Lord and what he is doing

when you think its about you and no wyou are following

i want to yell and i know that

silence is the key

because its the Lord who will defend me

she popped in out of nowhere and then

tried to carry on

something that wasnt her business

and shes on

top of things now

so u missed out

why did it take u three years to be

concerned with a poet

with a servant

when i see one how i quickly know it

and i appreciate

all that the Lord is doing in your life

and want to make your life better

if i can only try

to input something that will make

the rivers go

my love is a waterfall that

everflows

and the thread of life

brings me to this place

as i sit and dont want to hide my face

however I wait on the Lord and his precious grace

and know that sweet love is a gift that he can bring

to this place

when your thoughts diminish and theres nothing left

everything been burned by the fire of his test

whos got the real motiviations

of heavens best?--ar

Just a faint glow

aaaah it hurts

i feel as im dying

when will this night end

i seem to stay up past 10

and the hole appears to get bigger

than outerspace

i get sucked in

kill me now

and take my life

ever feel like youve been hit

by a ton of bricks

im curled in

i barely eat

youd have to feed me

but even then i cant make sense

my eyes they close

and open again

im restless irritable and discontent

and i go jogging to try and forget again

and i catch moments of beauty that rush in again

and make me breath

why is it that i feel that im forever runnin

when medication wont numb the pain

when cigarette smoke smells so sweet

and i know that if i just gave in

id set a terrible cycle in repetitive motion

i cant sleep i toss and i turn

my thoughts are compressed im yearning for more

if my mind could sing

it'd serenade the poor

tell me a riddle and ill speel out more

when liquor and jack daniels dont pave the way for

this gal cause shes left behind every ounce of living

to just stand here in this place

i am truly amazed

and i sing yes i forgive i forgive

i cant take it anymore

if this is life and death then i cant be angry

so i give it my all

and i know that whatever happens is God's perfect call

i love you with the love of Christ

i wont be angry anymore it wont suffice

im still giving to the Lord my sweet sacrifice and

i cant hide and i cant look you in the eyes

but i think this time i will honestly try

not to get riled up when i see you and I

can extend a lil mercy and lil grace here

because thats all that he wanted and from here on out its

weird

that this was the place he wanted to bring me to

and yet somehow i didnt want to surrender but know that i need to

for my sanity

my pride

it can hurt ya, ya know

when love leaves, its just a faint glow--ar

God of humor

i sing i gasp
i tear to shreds
i rip my pillowcases
i sing at the top of my lungs
im hungry
im thirsty
i want a diet coke
im tired and im hungry
and im thirsty i want a diet coke
again and again
you told me to tell you everything
because youa re my true friend
so you sit on my bed
and watch me
again and again
Lord dont you get tired of the same old theatrical
whats happened in history is happening now
and how you sigh im sure
and stretch out your arms
waiting for me to come to you
and collapse and disarm
the power that binds me
and keeps me from seeing
all of the plans that you had hidden
past tense no this is now the future beginning
and i run and i wait
and i whisper and i wallow
yet somehow a rebuke i cant quite simply swallow
im sweating
im runnin
your right by my side
saying dont give up
just yet April there is a new tide
and i say yes i know
youve told me before
im waiting and now will you open the door
i sob i cringe
i hold my blanket and pound the floor
i shake my head and i pace back and forth
this isnt thelife i thought you had for me
but its helping me know youand thats complete irony
you are the God of humor and i submit silently-ar

leave a mark for eternity

i sit amiss
the paperwork
trash and filfth
my keyboard i stroke
when i know thats my only hope
when i cant quite release my frustration
when i dont want to be the rat in the corner of the maze and
im tired and i cant even begin to see
all that youve done and what you are doing to me
my spirit pours out
my soul overflows
my heart heaves a great sigh that only heaven knows
this isnt apothecary
this isnt fantasy this is real life and its scary
i feel like i came out of an incubator when
everyone around me seems to appear so stronger
and i have envied them with their great lives
which seemed so attractive
yet i never knew how to leave and deal with the strife
i dont know the appropriate way to deal with the strife
i dont know the answers to the hardest questions in our lives
i look around and feel so blessed
how could i have missed all this
yet the things ive tried to get away with
only to not be caught
but yesterday i raised an eyebrow and dared to have fought
and i think i may even have won
but to him i give the glory because the
hand of the Lord came
and how quickly just like that i can
fall from his grace
im sure he knows the tears that
have bittersweetly been one of my familiar tastes
when i didnt fit in
and felt like a hole trying to fit in a square peg
when i look around and feel so disassociated
it was always okay just never communicated
walking down the checkered halls
is it this door or that one
and why did they appear so merry
why i was on a tread that had me in a hurry
to get the hell out of dodge
because someone just might see me
and i remember being the queer odd kind of beauty
that would capture the eyes of a little man who was leery
about his face and that made him quiver with insecurity
but id comfort him and read to him
the poetry
he called so deep
i laugh because u didnt really take me seriously
and no one really ever has
its funny but as life has passed
i leave a mark that says look at me
these things i do their value is in eternity--ar

My friend

Tears come to my eyes
As I think of my pompous attitude and of how
I will do anything right now
to catch but a glimpse of you
I’d hold you in my lap and caress your sweet face
While I listen to you talk about
Your tumultuous days
And I laugh at all of your newfound groupies
Who don’t really know anything about me
I’m protective over you
As a mother is over her young
And I know everything you do is fun
I want to pour a glob of honey over your head
And let the love of Christ take you and make you whole again
I wish God s love was in a barrel that I could
Overnight to you and pour over
you
I wish I could fed ex myself to your door and sing a melody
That opens heavens floors
i don’t want you to die but
I know that forever in eternity
We will lie
In His pastures and how that time will never fly by
Your heart is so precious to me and
I wish that I could see you 3 x 30 times in a year
I miss you my friend
People come and people go
But I tell you love is so
Strong that it can change a mind at best
It can travel the earth to find you
When you think you are hidden and have forgotten all of the rest
You see love is as strong as death and
Nothing can hold it back
It’s the most powerful force alive in this world
And you can’t make it leave
Because there’s absolutely nothing that it asks for
So let me see u just one more time
I promise to cherish every minute of you speaking your mind
Love speaks to me and I will obey
I will not do things my own way—ar

into oblvion

get me in and out as fast as u can


i fumbled for my change while trying to


avoid looking over my shoulder a thousand


times


and i saw him sittin on the floor so aged


with his grey pants that had dirt on them


so old that youd think he hadnt bathed in years


and i saw the stains of the oil on your shirt


your belly overlappin overflows


out of your dirty clothes


you sat there


a broken man


who might never have had the chance


to really ever be loved again


but i love u


and i said a prayer for you


and knew that the heavens were waiting so long for you


when i drive past the cemetary i think of the


streets and how they are so scary


when pimps and prostitutes do business


it seems they take over the world but fo rmore than a minute


i tried to avoid lookin but because i got frightened


i fixed my gaze ahead


its not like im an angel with a halo over my head


i listen to Gods voice


and when He tells me to love I have no choice


everyones got a special place


in his heart


because they were a thought in his mind from the start


and i think of how you are so brave


i dont think youre that scared i think you are okay


you try to be perfect


and are unhappy


you fail and you fail and are so miserable


because u cant be perfect and how could your mother


ever want you to be


Jesus was the only one that could be


so let her understand that perfection does not


ever become attained through anyone on this planet


when the Lord looks at us its as if we had it--ar

If I have to

This is the only way i know how to release whats bottled up on the inside of me
when i shake and i shiver and cant see straight i
reach for the pen or the keyboard
whatever
i will write a thousand poems until my thoughts
have become blurred
and my heart sings forgiveness
because theres no love without forgiveness and i think that i've tried before
but failed to live up to your loving guidelines in the great book of the crazy corinthians
and i think my thoughts run a million
miles per minute
because of all thats inside me
i'm trying to stay with it
and i think that i can
become quite clear
with what all this means and how
im labeled by fear
which today i severed the ties with because
it has no place here
and i long to live for something
which does not domineer
so ill write and ill write
until the better tomorrow comes
hope you dont think this
a waste of time
but it sure beats beating on the drums
a 24-7 because the noise
will get me kicked out
but the beating of my heart longs for
the voice
to be let out
so i open my mouth and wonder whats in there
will they be words of love
or words of hate
and i tell myself
youre such a good christian but to live like this
is to be a liar
and what place does that have in the heavenly fire?
none i know and i wish they were here
so i could
hug them and love them and sing with them
who will stretch out the longest without a resting place to hold them?
ive flown over the world and ended up back twice
must have been like the dove
returning
during
the time
of the flood--ar

Feels like hell

I scream i yell, in my apartment, it feels like hell

today i felt the rush of a wind

however my heart being so cold, didnt want to feel again

it was hard for me to notice the season changing

did october sneak in without me even knowing?

i miss you and your sweet voice

as your worshipped the King of kings and i sat there

distraught

I miss your beret and the sound of your drums as

you shook the house making demons run

the old hardwood floors made a sound

that moved

and the chairs left with the stains of snacks

that i should have never had,

the bellowing sound of your character

makes me remember the tears

that were there

and the stomping of your feet make me want to embrace

you

i miss you

the brown carpet makes me sink in

while my face hits the floor and i try to make sense

come today not tomorrow i pleaded

i dont want another day without your presence and power

when will we embrace again

and can i let you see my tears

ive failed to cry and release my fears

i love you all so very much guys

will i fight for a cause of winning you back

how do i know that the Lord is in that?

i cant make you feel guilty but this is drivin

me crazy my thoughts swim around

and i try to sing joyfully

i know anger isnt the answer

and your silenced voices i cant pressure

you into coming back and i dont know that i will

think its okay

but i know Gods got better plans for you anyway

and i think thats what im mad at

because where will i go

when you taughtme to worship

and to follow his flow.

my heart breaks for the anwers

that i do not know

bring me the answer

in fire, wind or a whisper

bless them because i know that you are with her

take some time to relax and appreciate

what will the Lord tell you

o keeper of the gate?

make me not regret i dont want to disintegrate

who is this really hurting and can i release any hate

for that is not God's way,

no matter what happens i know that He is here

and maybe she just wants you to feel sorry for me

i think its all clear

to try and use people to create the hurting

its not your fault

i only know that it was searching

my heart out to see what was there

and i yearn for love to make its home here--ar

Not naive anymore

How do I deal with unresolved conflict?
And is this
really
unresolved conflict?
I want to tell her a piece of my mind,
seems she has been telling me hers for years
and I have listened
even though it was not easy.
Why is it that for 10 years I have been told to listen?
So, therefore,
you can
listen to me too.
I feel as if
you have robbed me of years
of my life.
Telling me to sit there and be “faithful” yet, what did I gain from it?
I didn’t even gain
a true love for Christ,
Made to feel guilty
because I could never be perfect for Christ?
Made to be guilty
if I didn’t go to church because of the fact that I wasn’t really
“giving” to Christ?
How can a person have this sort of input
in one’s life?
I feel as if it’s because I came
from a broken family with no one there
that I was picked on to stay because I didn’t know
any better.
Coming from a catholic background
didn’t help, because if I questioned anything
it was wrong. When the pain of him leaving
made me feel so disillusioned,
yes maybe I was wrong, but I didn’t know how to speak up
and I feel that I made a mistake.
Then when I chose my mistake and thought,
this one was right, because of your disapproval I chose to end it,
and so the hell began.
Was I wrong
and will God tell me otherwise?
I don’t know right now.
All I know is that I deserve to be treated with respect,
I deserve to be loved and cared for.
I deserve to have a man who doesn’t smoke weed
and sees things the same as me.
I feel that you never taught me
what it was like to really have a relationship with Christ,
but only to be scared of Him if I didn’t do what was right
You preached about not wanting fast cars,
yet you paid off your house instead of going full time ministry
and starting a church in Ecuador
you stated the reason why yet, I feel
you took advantage of a girl who could never ask why?
And maybe we won’t have all the answers nor ever will
until that final day,
but Jesus Christ
is wanting me to have a relationship with Him today.
And that is one no man can interfere with and that is one that takes time to cultivate,
yet I feel I’ve made so many mistakes.
Maybe some sins are worse than others
however, I feel that I’ve made some so bad they don’t compare to others.
How do I tell u I think you were just a liar,
a cheat and a con?
Portraying a form of godliness
yet denying its power.
You played the theatrics
and hyped up the deliverance,
yet I don’t quite feel
that it was all so real.
I feel that your shunned silence and your silent treatments were not love.
However, coming from an alcoholic background
that is what you do best.
You say you’ve been healed but your fruit
makes me question it.
I’ve seen you look down on the poor,
as if being poor is being a victim of this world.
When you’re poor it seems
anyone can take advantage of you, because there aren’t many choices. The bible doesn’t say to be rich. In fact that’s not God’s way at all,
you say you are living for God but it seems
you are living for this world.
The bible says to the rich, that money is the root of all evil. And I can’t help but not believe that you weren’t in it for the money, because the truth is that its been all about the money.
And I remember the day you got angry because I didn’t have a job and how I thought what business is it of yours? And then got drunk.
Because you knew that your disapproval mattered more to me than anything else, because you were the only one that I had or thought that I had that helped me in this world.
Yet you weren’t there when my son was born
and you have helped me only once.
And many times you stated that me calling you with my problems was me being helpless, when you were the only one that I had to call anyhow.
So there went my options, forget me pouring out my heart, you made it very clear that my money was the only thing you were really in for.
At least that’s what it seems like, because I didn’t have any other gift to really bring, for fear that I might fall, for fear that I wasn’t as big, bad and booming as they all were.
So maybe I don’t like to show off, that’s just not my thing, yet I’m being got after because I don’t give it my all. Maybe now’s the time to really show it off. --ar

Christian barbie

so he passed me by and

we looked at each other for a moment

questions rose up in his mind and mine

did u shake your head and think not today

this is not my way

who says

that i have to be ignored

and that thats okay to accept from a man with a "sword"?

yes so u too

join the club

i move on to the next because i know my worth

maybe the good Lord just wants me with someone here right now

in the here and now

so i shout

yes thats what i want

i want honesty in the inward parts!

i bet i snuck up on you and you didnt even know

it was for a moment something like the divine

but how easily do we push it to the side

when your heart is open

so open that any large amount of books can fit in there

why do i even dare

to repeat

my insanity

when all they are looking for is the very image

of barbie?

o i forgot to tell you

christian barbie is not for sale

they hid her

shes a work in the making

may come out sometime

but never for sale

i laugh because this is hilarity

you pray for God to send you someone and here

comes me

only is it in the package that you think it would be?

Honey if you have to take a second thought on that

i dont want to be

so ill sit here and write and hopefully maybe this will speak to you

who needs to make a decision of what to do

cause im tired of waiting and theres no way no how

that i will spend more time disintegrating for you now

lifes on the fast line shes a streetcar named desire

and someone will find her

they will raise a fire

of something to last for more than o an hour

when temporary images sing to me

i close the doors to whats not exactly reality

take a good look at the women in the bible

women of faith who knew the Lord

yet even today

do men really lack faith

they desire a picture of what the world paints for them

call themselves followers yet forget true gain

a woman who fears the Lord shall be praised

beauty is fleeing and charm is deceptive

yet she seems to raise the ceiling

i pray you know that love is more than a feeling--ar

brown hair and brown eyes

She stared at me
she had brown hair and brown eyes
just like me
i felt my voice silenced
a stifled ball, something like a wad feathers
arise in my throat
it was an attempt to keep silent
My anger boiled and my voice turned into a whisper
When I'm loud and boisterous
I'm intimidating
but oh me
a small mouse
An intimidator?
I laugh and smile
Do you think your money is beg enough to fit
inside my mouth to keep me quiet
Do you think your dollar bills wouldn't be swallowed
to nourish the desire to build my own empire?
Do you think that whisper doesn't change
into a growl
I'll show you how
Don't ever talk to me that way
You have brown hair and brown eyes
just like me
when you whisper I will be there
Only I will hear
and I will ask you to speak up
Because I don't buy into your monetary
cup
I look up
and I wont look down
or turn my face aside
you need to listen and let me abide
alone and in myself
you have brown hair and brown eyes just like me
my voice wont change because of your money--ar

Not supposed to look...

I'm not supposed to look
But i'm curious to
find out what's wrong
with my tire
los senores
mi miran con un
cara de pregunto
why is she looking?
well maybe
senor yanta
i want to learn how to
fix tires
maybe i was
interested grandpa
when you'd fix the car
and go underneath
i always wanted to
see if oil would
fall on your face
afraid the car would
fall on you
they jacked up the car
when i was still in it
was it so i wouldnt
ask any questions
i laugh
i still see you through my windshield
you cant stop my curious eye
you cant stop me as i ask why--ar

Transcend

Trascend upward
grasping for attainment
looking downward
pushing away fear
as a caterpillar metamorphises into
a delicate butterfly
so do my dreams become like
stars in the nightsky
dreams i can see
as the night brings remembrance
the day arrives
and the stars linger in my mind
sliding down rainbows into waterfalls
as i swim saturated with
hope and innocence
my soft laughter echoes
in the bellows of the
crashing water
it seems to be an escape
but don't think you'll overtake
there is only one way out
humbleness shall become
such a good friend
as she sings tome the
answers of my problems
of deep within--ar

Electricity

Electricity emerges
love has rocked the boat
love is a wave i surf on
an ocean i can swim in
no one can take it
from me
He's electric
Electric Avenue
He's eclectic
goes against the grain
He can do whatever
No one to question
No one to answer to
He's gonna pursue me
Until the morning dew
My Father
My Love
Lover of my soul
Caring about each
indentation of marks on my
life
caring about anticipations that
continually arise
He loves me He loves me
He loves me--ar

Heres my bravest, harshest one, my personal fav of mine

Las mujeres brutas

Las mujeres brutas
We just don't get alone
I hate
Las mujeres brutas
They stare me down
Like a doe amongst deer
Las mujeres brutas
Don't crack a smile
Every once in a while
One will baby me
Like I'm lost without a mother
But wait
I was without mi mama's
breasts to suckle on
Without a tender touch
Without a voice that
said you're so precious
She named me after a soap opera character
She never worked
So she had the idle time to watch
Mujeres brutas
Dios de va a castija!!
Damn, scare me at
5 years old
Why don't you?
God had a bullet
out for my head
Because I screamed and
jumped on the bed
Las mujeres brutas
call me a wild unruly
child
they laught at me
Because I'm so free
and don't live
for conformity
Nope not me-
with your tight calvin kleins
and your belly flopping
out of your tight purple
tee
your black belt
and your sandals
feet so pedicured
read a book lately?
did your old man
lend you his pick up
which almost ran
me off the road
momentarily?
temporarily?
Las mujeres brutas
said
What are you doing?
Why don't you follow us?
You're so different
Because you use your
brain
my emotions
stifled, so what if I sit like
a guy at Kristan's?
While I eat my nachos
So I can play videogames
and can watch espn
Las mujeres brutas
I can wear pink
But yeah, I also think
I won't ask permission
Is personal success a
part ofyour vision?
This baby has made my
life tough
I'm in the brigades of
the rough
Las mujeres brutas
I won't kiss a man's feet
To find an easy life
pretending it'll be sweet
I'd rather sit
and turn on my tv
plop up my feet
move my head to
this music video's beat
waiting to pick up my son
so we can come home and
have a war with glum and fun
leave the dishes in the sink
while he paints and i
think
of what to do next
everyday moving towards the
best
No I won't settle for less
join the crowd
hunt for a man like all
the rest
my son and I will wait
In the Great Eagle's nest--ar

boy that was hard to write..at the time..now im like shooooot....

On my knees

on my knees
the tears running down
my face
the salt i taste
bittersweetly
crying loudly
with my every ounce of being
my fists are clenched
i beat the ground
i look and there's
no one to be found
the ache
the deep ache
when i was an empty shell
left alone in my emotional hell
my teeth
i grit
the weakness within
wanting to quit
staring out the window
thankful i could still see
the sun came up
and set again
the sun came up
and set again
disbelief
is a terror
let loose on her wheels
when you can't understand
how this life could possibly be real
the tears
they ran
into Lake April
there once was a child
who came by to
see if the river had
dried up yet
seeing it full
he ran away
he'll come back tomorrow
when i look at you
when i see into your eyes
i see a frightened
woman who's
struggling to survive
when gospel hymns
and writing pens
are two things keeping you alive
no one can share
your sorrow
and feel it in the
inner depths of
existence
i can't tell you how I
really wanted to
but continually resisted
how did i get up
to walk again?
how did i ever manage
now that the sun has risen and set again--ar

So he passed me by

So he passed me by

on my way to class

carefree, so it seems

while inside myself I scream

Do you really know what

it's like?

Sweat produced

by the hard work of love?

The tears that are shed

from life newly bred

It's like a different world

that requires special vision

they tell me I need a man

from whom to seek permission

do I really have to follow you?

do I lie to myself

do I say

April, now

there's a man to

whom your respect is due

Just because he sweats

he's a man

I'm supposed to marry?

Because he can

give me a $20 dollar bill

I'm supposed to marry?

Is he supposed to

outthink me when

I can use my brain

no more?

Feel my muscles

see I've earned them

only sweat didn't produce them

it was the tears

I cried out of my pain

It was the silent

cry

that helped me gain

The sting so hard

you'd cringe

like a horse getting

prepared for it's competition

He struts

so proudly

eyes fixed ahead

His knees lift

He's a show of workmanship

He wants to be shown off

He's worked so

hard on me

I'm stapled down

I have nowhere else to go

I'm sold on His

love

that man will never know

Even though

I've doubted the

power of His hand

I know I'm still

held together

as We walk hand in hand

Even though

I've yelled at Him

and questioned why

I can't close an eye

He's proven His love

through better or for worse

through sickness and health

I can't chase Him off

Believe me I've tried

But see when He was

up on that cross

His hands were tied

He didn't get down

no matter how

much it hurt Him

His plan for me

was to take hold of

me

to hold so carefully--ar



To grow up

to grow up

to mature

to become fruitful

on the inside

To have a garden of

love inside my heart

with feelings that

flourish

That blossom like

baby roses

to advance

to transcend

to move

to leave childish ways

behind and

to look beyond

to commence

to disintegrate

hatred and war

to stand

to face

courage soars

burns like a flame

a wind

moves the forest

a wave

washes away the pain

my feet move ahead

i pursue this greatness

my spirit longing to be continually fed--ar

Namely poetry..

This blog will be mainly my poetry, and drafts of poems in the making, thoughts etc...

As she walks down the streets
the words of the past flow
through her mind
leaving behind
the voices of man
who have told her which way to walk
when she never needed their permission in the first place
its okay to want to run away
but dont let that be an excuse not to listen
to your voice in the innermost being
which is telling you truth

a hard wave which came
tsumani in comparison by size
wiped me out completely
dont think i was quite standing on solid ground

how can you
when you were out in the ocean
there is no ground
only faith

perhaps i forgot i had a surf board with me
the anger that i feel
will only help feed the change
the change that i will never let a person
treat me that way again

no longer will i remain silent
what were you seeing
a young woman struggling while her life passed
before her very eyes
yet it was ok
for everyone around me to live except i
never again will i let a person have that much
power over me
--ar



Lost in despair

running so fast from a past that haunted me
the old mom who will never be
running away from ghetto motherhood
running away from the crack addict mom who sits inher demise and disillusion
how can i tell u the fears i have when i see her walking down the street
remembering and being grateful that its not me
i yearn to be compassionate and know that i am
yet how do i tell you of the nightmares of the image that i never want tobe and how it haunts me
the mother on welfare standing in the welfare life while her children have been sacrificed to everything but God oh my
the prostitute that lies destitute with any man
while her children gaze on
be densensitized while your mother
lies down in poverty
your poverty sings a screech a yell that drowns out the voice of hope
what will become of you o little child
who knows no other way
and then i see them
walking down the sidewalks in the university
thinking n ot all of america has really
experienced tragedy or despairity
some know it not
some know not the nightmare of their thoughts

so wont you help me
because only you can cut through an illusion so thick
to break the bonds of hell
a power so strong
but there is none
stronger than your great love

walk through our city
on the east side
on the west side
bring you power and chariots of fire
chase away the men who seek to find her
scoop up her children like a mother hen
and set them flying with wings again

tears come to my eyes as i cry on the inside
when i walk by and yell on the inside
my screams not able to come out
when im so angry at the enemy and how
he has robbed the most ignorant and naive
pour out your knowledge of the love of you and me
the relationship that can be
the truth not falsivity
defying every law even gravity
take a good look at me
stretch out your am and help these
that sit in need
that cry out at night and noonday and sunrise
those that cry out for a new size
of a suit that fits them that exemplifies you
yet you turn away
driving in your vehicle with the radio on super blast
with no money to even pay for gas
wishing that tomorrow wouldnt hurt as bad
but she fell and then what became of her
only wishing that she had
taken a turn into the right door
her past puzzles her
as she falls down in shivers to the floor--ar

Don't want to lie anymore

How can I be completely honest with people when asked questions? Most of the time, I feel they just want to give advice that I have already thought about it, but haven't done. A lot of times I feel misunderstood with telling people. Alot of times I feel people just don't understand and what's the point of trying to make them understand when that takes so much darn time to explain? St. Francis put it this way, let me seek to understand more than to be understood. Maybe I am not quoting it directly but that's what he said. Makes sense to me, he must have got tired.